Loneliness Overwhelm

Have you ever felt like you're no one's priority?

I do often, and it hits me like a ton of bricks every time. Seeing a gathering or party you weren't invited to, hearing about an invite you weren't given or seeing two friends hanging out on socials and realising they're closer - you're just the filler.

It's not that I don't have friends; I have lots of different groups, it's a running joke in my house that I have a birthday party to go to every weekend. Yet I still can't shake the loneliness I feel. I always feel like I’m on the outside of every group I'm a part of. Invited to the big things but the dinners and spontaneous drinks are only for the select few, I'm forgotten or not in the other group chat. Why does everyone else seem to have their 'people', the ones who are always invited, always the priority? What's wrong with me?

I did have a person once and maybe that's why I feel such a deep sense of missing there. That person I did everything with and never felt alone with. We would tell each other everything, be each other's plus-one no matter what and always be first, like a sister. But I let that friendship fizzle out, partly due to some differences but mostly due to my fear of rejection. I pushed her away because I feared the way she spoke about others was how she spoke about me. Looking back I realise I was in the wrong, she was supposed to feel safe saying those things, and I was supposed to be the one to call her out if it went too far, not push her away.

I now always compare my friendships to that, which I know isn't fair or right, but I still crave that closeness in a friend, the other half feeling. A few times I did think I found it again, but they weren't the same. Being an only child doesn't help. Most of my friends have sisters and siblings they're close to, I don't have that person who will be there no matter what, always forgive you, always call you out, but have your back. I am close to my parents, but it's not quite the same.

The fear that I don't have a maid of honour, when I'm nowhere close to getting married, is so real. That I'm never going to be anyone else's first choice, that I'll feel this sense of second best forever. I know I'm still young, and friendships can form at any time, but I still fear I've missed the boat - that the other-half best friendship I seek isn't in the cards for me. I blew it the first time, so that's it.

I'm writing this not for pity, but for anyone else who feels this way, like they also haven't found their person but desperately want to, so you don't have to feel so alone in it.